Do What You Have To Do
by Ally K
Summary: Sam can’t stop dreaming about Jack, even though she’s married to Joe………..


TITLE: Do What You Have To Do  
  
AUTHOR: Ally K  
  
EMAIL: sunshine_slayer@hotmail.com  
  
ARCHIVE: Site in development (nearly finished!) and any one who wants it.  
  
CATEGORY: S/J, song fic, future  
  
SPOILERS: 2010, Solitudes, Hundred days,  
  
SEASON/SEQUEL: About 2005-ish, I guess RATING: PG  
  
CONTENT WARNINGS:  
  
SUMMARY: Sam can't stop dreaming about Jack, even though she's married Joe.....  
  
DISCLAIMER: None of this is mine; the actual story and idea is mine, but the characters and name etc, don't belong to me.  
  
AUTHOR'S NOTES: The song is by Sarah McLachlan and has the same title: 'Do What You Have To Do' and is from the album 'Surfacing', which I may add is excellent! The idea came to me when I was bored and listening to the album! Feedback would really be appreciated; did u love/hate it, any comments would really help. (note: # this indicates the words of the song)  
  
Do What You Have To Do  
  
# What ravages of spirit conjured this temptuous rage created you a monster broken by the rules of love and fate has lead you through it you do what you have to do and fate has led you through it #  
  
I dream about him every night and feel guilty for it, as here I lay sleeping next to another man, the one I actually married. If I ever told Joe of my dreams I doubt I would still be married, but I don't through fear. Don't get me wrong I love him, otherwise I would never have said yes, but if things had been different. If Jack hadn't left like that, if he hadn't shut me out, perhaps things would have been different. Did I marry the right man? It depends what you define *right* as? If you refer to it as the decent one, the one that could never hurt me then yes I did. I married stability but passion and desire, so deep it hurt, then no. I've never thought of anyone as much as I did of Jack, still do. Five years of sexual tension and the pure emotion when we told each other how we felt, forced to, for pure survival was not something you easily forget.  
  
So I dream about *him* even though I know truly it is wrong, and I realise that by my rage for Jack, for leaving me has made him a monster in my mind. Someone I crave for, but had been so destroyed by circumstances, one's that drove us apart. I begged him to stay, even though I knew we had contradictory beliefs over the Ashen. He refused; I let Jack go, even though every part of me said not to. I did nothing, I'd tried before and pride, and the fear of being rejected kept me back. Made me do nothing. Do I regret it, yes, but it was only after he left to solitary that I finally let, well as much as I could, go and said yes to Joe and his offer to dinner.  
  
I did what I had to do to stay sane, to actually live my life instead of clutching to the passion that the Colonel and I suppressed for so long. All because of those three little words, that came so natural to me. I must have said them more than I needed to just to remind myself why. Sir...I said them as I had to.  
  
# You do what you have to do ... #  
  
I had no choice, we were a team, we worked best as one and if we had broken it we risked the Goa'uld winning. Least that's what I told myself, every night since our near fateful trip to the Antarctic when I realised that perhaps Jack was more than I thought he was, to me. Yet, then, he had whispered Sara's name and it cut through me so much I never thought of them again till I thought I'd lost him forever on Edora. Three months of fighting, of tossing and turning in fear of never seeing him again. Now we have mere miles between us and yet it was back then that I got him back, million of miles away.  
  
# and I have the sense to recognize that I don't know how to let you go every moment marked with apparitions of your soul I'm ever swiftly moving trying to escape this desire the yearning to be near you I do what I have to do the yearning to be near you I do what I have to do but I have the sense to recognize #  
  
Now, I know that I have come to realise that I will never truly let Jack go, we have so many unfinished issues. Still I don't know how to survive every passing moment without him and the way he haunts my very soul. I'm always trying to find release from the feelings of *him*. Somehow I manage it, and with Joe it's so much simpler, and I do forget, but when I dream, when there is nothing but my thoughts, that's when I remember. That is the time that I truly yearn for him, and regrets flood through me. but I know that Jack is my past and that perhaps one day he might stay there. I *do* have the sense to realise that I would be stupid to destroy the life, the truly wonderful life I have with Joe, over Jack.  
  
  
  
# that I don't know how to let you go I don't know how to let you go #  
  
In spite of trying, he's always there when my eyes close and I envisage my life if I had been with him. It's always perfect and I don't know how to let it go. How to come back to reality and let go of the dream, of him.  
  
# A glowing ember burning hot burning slow deep within I'm shaken by the violence of existing for only you #  
  
My suppressed feelings for Jack, my need to be with him, burns inside like a there is a pure flame within and it awakens every time my eyes close. It's hot, but yet slow, as it fills me entirely with its presence. It's so deep and he envelops me and soon in my mind, my very existence is his.  
  
#I know I can't be with you I do what I have to do I know I can't be with you I do what I have to do and I have sense to recognize but I don't know how to let you go I don't know how to let you go I don't know how to let you go #  
  
I know what I have to do, as I know I can never be with Jack. I missed my chance years ago and now I have a different path, one in which most of the time I am happy. I can never be sure it is the right path that I took, but it was the one I took nonetheless and I will just have to live with it. That Jack is still a part of me. In a way, I couldn't stand *not* having a part of him; he was so much to me for so long. No one else will ever come close to that, not even Joe, but I have sense, I hope sometime to finally acknowledge that he *is* in the past. I do have the intelligence to overcome the yearning that plague's my thoughts, to at least retain him just to my dreams. Once he emerges from there, then I'm in deep and I'm not sure I let him can return.  
  
I can't stop my feelings for Jack so perhaps it's best that I don't and I just find out for myself whether we were ever as perfect as my mind believes us to be. I roll out of bed and throw my close on. I grab the keys on my way out and drive off to find out; as all I know is that I don't know how to let him go... 


End file.
